Junie B. Jones ended its run on Saturday. Now I get to enjoy some time off before I jump back into my creative projects again. In less than two weeks, I will be in Naples, Florida with my mom and her side of the family. On one hand, it feels good to have a long break coming up. On the other hand, there is this tiny little voice that whispers to me, “Keep working. You need to be doing something. You need to be productive and always be producing. If you’re not creating, you’re wasting time.”
This voice is always hard on me. It doesn’t have to be about creativity. It comes out when I’m stressed, angry, anxious, when I’m trying on a cute outfit and it’s too small, when I feel unattractive, when my memory blanks and I forget something I used to remember very well. It likes to remind me of my flaws, my failures, add things to my “to-do” list, and replay past moments of my life where someone made me feel like garbage.
I’ve been regularly seeing a therapist to cope with the last seven months and we’ve been working together to reprogram my line of thinking. After nearly 29 years of life, I’m finally recognizing how little I’ve honored my body. I don’t treat myself well. I’m mean in my self-talk and I eat terrible food. I drink a ton of caffeine, which I’ve known for years how it’s bad for my heart (I have tachycardia) but it’s also now proving to be affecting my digestive system.
Earlier today, I came across a quote I liked. It said, “You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.” I know I’ve heard it before, but for some reason didn’t resonate with me until now. To an extent, I think I really heard it because I am finally ready to take care of myself properly. I’m ready to do the work necessary to honor my body. I’m ready to tell that sneaky little voice to shut up, because I’m not doing anyone any favors by running myself ragged. I’m done making myself a martyr for no reason. I finally get it: There’s no glamour in being a workaholic.
I am ready for a break. 2018 has been a quite a year and I’m ready to put it to bed with a fresh, clean slate with 2019.
Every weekend morning, I try to take a picture of the sky because I always think the sky in the morning is at its prettiest.
A lot of changes have happened in the last few months. I figured the quickest and easiest way to share what has happened in my life was to do a vlog entry. I’ve talked about doing vlogging before and I figure there was no time like the present. I’ll *try* to do these on a regular basis. I just posted the vlog to my new youtube channel. I’m thinking about posting other videos besides vlogs to my channel too. Maybe a makeup video series where I try to put on makeup? Let me know what you all think!
A few months ago, I was hanging with friends and we watched Scream. For me, this was my first time watching Scream. I know, I know, I know. This movie is over 20 years old and I only watched it for the first time earlier this year. Truth be told, I’m not savvy when it comes to the horror genre. Scream was excellent. Very meta (“Turn around Jamie!”) and overall had a good plot. Because of my lack of familiarity with the horror genre, the twist was a big surprise to me. It got me thinking: there’s a whole genre of movies out there that I have never seen. Some movies are iconic and classics. I feel like I’ve been missing out on so much.
So I decided to make a new project for myself. Starting on August 21st (the day of the eclipse here in Missouri), I plan on launching Horror Newbie: 30 Days of Horror. I cultivated a list of over 100 recommendations by asking various friends. The goal is to watch at least one horror movie a day. Every day I will make an effort to discuss about the movie or movies I watched that day.
3 am; Couldn’t sleep when I remembered my bike was still locked up outside; I briefly entertained the idea of leaving it overnight but my anxiety talked me into going for a ride instead; the wind felt cool on my skin and was able to quell some of the tightness in my chest; I have so much shit to do tomorrow; I continued to pedal while the music played Leonard Skynard and Brandi Carlile on my phone tucked away in the shelf bra of my black camisole; the more I pedaled, the less I felt the odd crawling sensation in my shoulder muscles I tend to feel when someone is thinking of me; many times I tried to go home only to be redirected with a small flick of my wrist; what does the seven of cups reversed mean in a tarot reading about a man’s feelings for me; I changed the music to that new Katy Perry song, seeking something more upbeat; I pedaled; I thought about what to do next; I thought about letting go; It’s time to move on and stop wasting your time thinking about him; I finally made my way back home and brought my bike inside; It’s time to let go; I fell asleep at 4am.
It appears that the overall theme for November is heartbreak. I was grappling with quite a bit of it with the election. But as of last Tuesday, I’m now experiencing a loss of a friendship. This isn’t the first time I’ve lost a friend, but it doesn’t hurt any less. For me, friend breakups are very similar to romantic break ups: I’m basically out of commission for a few days and I feel tremendously sad and hurt which always comes out angry.
I’m a big fan of Marc Maron and I sporadically watch his show “Maron” on Netflix when I have the time. I say sporadically because I occasionally have to stop watching the show due to its extremely reliability to my life. I am also a comic and a writer with three cats and I also view the world in a strange, over-analytical way. In the pilot episode of “Maron” there was quote Marc makes that really resonated with me:
“But I know one thing about me: If I am sad and its in public, it’s not gonna come out sadness. It’s just gonna come out anger.”
Why did this line resonate with me? Because it’s exactly how I am. Anger is way more productive than sadness. For me, sadness is debilitating. I don’t have an appetite, I just wanna sleep, my eyes get all pink and red (which makes it difficult when I cry at work which I have done more than an employee should due to my panic attacks). Sadness decreases my productivity and makes me a generally sad and useless individual.
The other reoccurring problem with friend breakups are the other friend breakups you end up reliving. You think about the time in April when one of your friends messaged you on Facebook and proceeded to call you “a total bitch,” “delusional,” “a right asshole” and other names of that nature. You think about the friend you had confronted a year ago and they screamed in your face, telling you to go fuck yourself, and cut you out of their life. You think about how in seventh grade you had a friend who didn’t invite you to a ski trip because “my mom said you don’t have enough money.” It hurts. It really does. It mainly hurts as a writer. As an introvert, being alone doesn’t hurt me. I’m really, really good at being alone. I sometimes wonder if I’m too good at it and that it hinders me from knowing how to properly function with someone else in my life.
Being alone as a writer hurts because you lose your muse. You have to find a new source of inspiration, a new person who alights the flame of passion to create. I recently came across a quote that summarizes a writer’s love perfectly: “If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.” I think this quote applies to both romantic and platonic love. I’ve been equally devastated by the endings of both.
When it all comes down to it, love is just too intriguing and too powerful to not risk hurting yourself for. It’s why we keep falling for it. We keep hoping the next time will be better but it just turns out the same way. The best thing you can do it just brush it off and move on with your life. Learn to show your best sides to everyone and not just the people you end up loving who didn’t deserve your love to begin with. And don’t let someone waste you time. If someone tells you no, look beyond their bullshit excuses and don’t wait for them to come around because guess what? They will never come around. They will continue to waste your time as long as you let them. And your time is too precious to waste. You have more important things to do with your life than pine for someone who never was honest with you or was ever worth it in the first place.
We were all put on this earth to do some kickass shit, don’t waste it on someone who wears the merit-less crown you gave them.
My feature image comes from the Possom Trot Auction House in Seale, Alabama. I was there earlier this month for my uncle, John Erickson, and his marriage to Joyce Webster. It was a great time!
It’s been a tremendously exhausting for the last week since the election.
Am I still angry? Yes. It hurts to see an uprise of displayed racism and exhibited harassment in light of a Trump victory. It also hurts and angers me to see people argue that “both sides have it hard right now” and hearing people spout some form of a “sit down and shut up” mentality.
I recently had a friend who received a Facebook message from some man she didn’t know. The message said, and I quote, “Fuck you you motherfucking piece of shit! Suck a dick and die! Trump won bitch!”
I shared the post to my Facebook wall stressing the importance of being kinder to one another. The step-mother of a friend of mine commented on my post that “both sides” had been bad. It was a minimization of a greater issue. It was a dismissal to the woman who had been harassed with no provocation. It was the condoning of a man displaying unnecessary aggression toward a woman just simply because he could. Her comment made me angry. I wanted to say so many things in response. Thoughtful things. Things that would hurt her so much to jar her into an intense thought process and self-reflection. The thought running through my mind: With her words, she chose to hurt a sister to her gender and biological sex.
I took a breath to stabilize myself. At the time I read this, I was in a karaoke pub. I had been trying to lift spirits by encouraging people to go do karaoke with myself and a handful of friends. And by a “handful,” I mean only four (including me) showed up. But overall, we all felt a little better after belting some tunes. But I still felt like I needed to respond. I couldn’t ignore the comment. So I responded in the most benign way: Ok.
My friend’s step-mom ended up deleting her comment due to not liking the way that it read and she would never cast that type of light out there. She also made the point to tell me she thought me lovely. I told thank you and left it at that.
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I am finding that it’s hard to really forgive people who condone President-Elect Trump’s campaign platform and actively choose to overlook his racism, extreme Islamophobia, bigotry, misogyny, xenophobia, general ignorance, and acceptance of sexual assault. And I’m finding it genuinely horrifying how people are so quick to see the “good” things Trump’s done and be willing to give him a chance. Sure, he won’t reverse same sex marriage for now. But what about one or two years from now? I wouldn’t expect that to remain. I feel as if we all, as a collective whole, should wait for the other shoe to drop and never allow ourselves to become complacent. To not believe the news without fact checking or getting our news from a reliable source and doing our due diligence. I, for one, have decided to forgo most U.S. based news sources and will get my news primarily from BBC News because they offer both U.S. and other world news. It’s primarily paid for by British citizens, but online visitors outside the U.K. see some advertisements. I plan on making a donation to BBC for either the holidays or my birthday.
The announcement of Steve Bannon as Trump’s chief strategist is just mind-boggling given his violent history and white supremacist ideas. It baffles me that respected newspapers like The Wallstreet Journal mention him as “alt-right,” which really downplays his beliefs and past inflammatory comments he’s made.
We should all be cautious as it gets closer and closer to Trump’s inauguration. We should remember to be diligent. Examine our friends’ words and actions and also examine their negative space of their actions and words. What I mean by that is if you see someone not doing something when they should, call them out on it. If they are not saying the things they should, call them out on that. Don’t be an accomplice to hate speech and be a passive participant to hate crimes by not doing something.
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An Important Note
My not voting for Trump did not, does not, and never will mean that I have no respect for the military. Quite the contrary, I actually have a lot of respect for our military. I have had two members of my family in the military (one Navy, one Marines). I deeply care for and respect our current, veteran, and fallen soldiers for the sacrifices they have made in keeping the U.S. safe. I am thankful for all that our military has done for us and that gratitude will not falter or change anytime soon. If you are reading this and you have been or are currently involved with our military, thank you so much for serving our country. And I am sorry if you think that a vote against Donald Trump or our peaceful protests are seen as disrespectful. A lot of us protest (not riot) because we are scared that the freedoms you fought for us to have might be taken away.
Our quality of life is in jepardary.
Our rights and our ability to speak up are in jepardary.
Our loved ones are in jepardary.And people are responding to our fear by telling us to “get over it” and calling us “crybabies.”
The only thing those things have been successful in doing is fanning the fire of our fear.
If y’all can even begin to think of where we’re coming from, how can we ever unite as one nation? Being empathetic doesn’t mean you have to bend over backwards and go against what you believe in. Being able to understand where someone is coming from really helps c0nnecting you to just that person and that unique connection is solely between you two and you will never experience anything just like that connection again.
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If you are interested in getting involved with your community, contact your local nonprofits. They are always in need of help. Also explore different news sources like BBC or The Economist, both were considered to be the “least biased” by Business Insider.
While I am not a particularly religious person, it’s important to remind people of Matthew 7:12 in the Bible:
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 7:12 – NLT – Bible Gateway)
If you are struggling with anxiety, watch this video and it will make you feel calmer. ❤
If you fell down a rabbit hole,what do you think you’d find?
Years ago, my mom asked me to go to the park with my sister. The park wasn’t far from our house, so my sister and I rode our bikes over and played hide and seek. I looked for somewhere to hide and saw a big tree with roots that I could crawl under. I crawled and crawled, until…I fell into darkness and landed on cold floor. I was in a cage with strange-looking beings staring at me. They had green skin and black eyes. I couldn’t understand their words. They watched me like I was an animal in a zoo.
I’ll gladly say it: I hate Tinder. I hate online dating in general, but I really hate Tinder. Major kudos to the lucky ducks who have successfully found love in the internet cesspool of left and right swiping because I tend to find more creeps and disgusting vulgarities than actual guys interested in something substantial. I rarely look at Tinder these days and when I do, I usually regret it. Today was one of those days.
I remembered a conversation I had with my friend Sarah. When I went to Chicago last year, she was the one who showed me around town. One of the times she was visiting home in good ol’ Springfield, we were at the local donut shop and we thought about how funny it would be to write a musical about Tinder. After checking my Tinder today and being thoroughly disappointed, I made this:
Still reading: 11/22/63 by Stephen King Almost finished reading: Attempting Normal by Marc Maron (I recommend it in audiobook form)
The best way I can explain it is this: Happiness is like that one person we have a terrible crush on but don’t think we have the bravery to approach. So we always hope that happiness will approach us and make that first move, all the while we are not making active decisions that bring us closer to happiness. It’s a little different for everyone. Some people just say “Just go up to them!” But there’s more to it than that. Some people don’t approach happiness like they don’t approach their crush because they don’t think they deserve happiness.
My own perspective on happiness shifted after watching a TED talk by a man named Dan Gilbert. His topic was about happiness and how we all can basically synthesize happiness instead of waiting for happiness to come upon us. It was fascinating. Click the link below to check it out:
What About The Alchemy? 