Thanksgiving, Weekend with Mom, and the future

I had a good Thanksgiving. Because I passed my 90-day mark at my job last week, I got paid for Thanksgiving AND I got a floating holiday!

On Thanksgiving, my family (including Neal and his mom) came down to Springfield and we had dinner at Village Inn. I worked at Village Inn last year for Thanksgiving, and I know they did a good Thanksgiving meal! I forgot it came with a free piece of pumpkin pie.

Then we had Thanksgiving part 2 over at Neal’s house with his family. It was a good time. My mom and Neal’s mom, Brenda, talked while me, Neal, Neal’s uncle Keith, aunt Sheri, and cousin Madison all watched Christmas Vacation, which is a family tradition for them. It used to be a tradition for me and my Grandma Barb, but it fizzled out over time and the tradition stopped. It was a good time.

I spent Thanksgiving weekend with mom and Neal in St. Louis and we hit up some cool local spots around Kirkwood (and some Jack n the Box for Neal). It surprised me to realize how much I miss Kirkwood and the general St. Louis area.

We took Neal to Strange Donuts since his old job was a similar-style donut shop in Springfield.

Iconic Amoco sign close to Forest Park in St. Louis

My mom is doing well, considering the news she got last month. We talked a lot about her cancer. Mainly we talked about her cancer of the peritoneum which is secondary to her colon cancer. Peritoneal cancer is terminal and its not an easy death. Mom and I talked candidly about what to do after she passes on. We also argued, got mad at each other, made up, cuddled, laughed. So we acted like normal mother and daughter. We’re going to Florida for Christmas to see my mom’s family. Eleven days on the beach will do both of us a lot of good. I got Mom a good Christmas gift that I know she’ll love.

Next month Neal and I celebrate our one-year anniversary. I can’t believe how much time has passed. I’ve never celebrated an anniversary before and boy, what a year it’s been! Neal has been an amazing partner to me. He’s been so supportive and patient with me, especially with my mom’s health issues. Stress/depression/grief can really affect your memory and it absolutely has affected mine. Neal will sweetly remind me of things I’ve forgotten or will listen to me as I tell him a story I’ve already told him. He’s a good egg. I’m excited to be celebrating a year of doing life with him. I hope it’s the first of many years with him.

We love taking goofy selfies

16 weeks

Today I celebrated 16 weeks of sobriety. That’s nearly four months. That’s the equivalent to a fall semester of college. It hasn’t been easy in the slightest. But it gets easier whenever I think about what I’ve achieved in that length of time. I feel clearer. I’ve been creating more. I’ve been reading more books. I’m busy but I still find time for people in my life and support their art too. And I’m coping better. I heard some rough news about my mom on Friday and while I am still experiencing waves of emotion about it, I’ve been taking it in stride and honoring my feelings and allowing myself to feel my emotion.

I’m grateful for the support I’ve received from all my friends during the last (almost) six months in terms of the issues with my mom and with my sobriety. Most importantly, I’m proud of myself and I’m proud of anyone else who’s gone sober this year. If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with sobriety, just remember to take it one day at a time. You got this!

– Tess

A close-up photo of a tree I took using the HujiCam app

Life Update

This was originally posted on my personal FB and I figured I’d share it on here as well.

Life update time!

1) After working there nearly four years, I no longer work at Gailey’s Breakfast Cafe. I now work at Falstaff’s Local on the weekends and some evenings. I’m pretty excited for this new opportunity. I also have an awesome little part-time job at the OTC bookstore that I’ve had since the beginning of August. I was hired on for temporary employment and am waiting to hear back if I become a permanent employee there as well.

2) I’m super excited to get to show off some of my acting chops and be a part of this year’s performance of “It’s A Wonderful Life: A Radio Play” that will go up at the Gillioz Theatre starting December 8-10!

Poster for this year’s “It’s A Wonderful Life: A Radio Play”

3) I’ve been writing like crazy. I’m putting finishing touches on a horror script for Grave Tales that I’ve really enjoyed writing. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying sketch writing classes at Queen City Conservatory. I’ve been pretty proud of my work as of late and I look forward to writing and creating more.

4) Barring some unforeseen incident, I will be graduating in December with my bachelor’s and an associate’s degree (via reverse transfer). School has been going really well for me and I’m happy with my progress. I’m really feeling the motivation to get my degrees and finally graduate.

In summary, I’m doing really well and things are going great! I want to give a shout-out to the people who’s supported me, encouraged me, and had my back the last few weeks. I seriously cannot thank you all enough. I also give a shout-out to my mom (Pamela) for all her love and help with my dealing with personal stuff and giving out writing tips too. Much love to all! ❤

Day 10,046 – Horror Newbie: 30 Days of Horror

A few months ago, I was hanging with friends and we watched Scream. For me, this was my first time watching Scream. I know, I know, I know. This movie is over 20 years old and I only watched it for the first time earlier this year. Truth be told, I’m not savvy when it comes to the horror genre. Scream was excellent. Very meta (“Turn around Jamie!”) and overall had a good plot. Because of my lack of familiarity with the horror genre, the twist was a big surprise to me. It got me thinking: there’s a whole genre of movies out there that I have never seen. Some movies are iconic and classics. I feel like I’ve been missing out on so much.

So I decided to make a new project for myself. Starting on August 21st (the day of the eclipse here in Missouri), I plan on launching Horror Newbie: 30 Days of Horror. I cultivated a list of over 100 recommendations by asking various friends. The goal is to watch at least one horror movie a day. Every day I will make an effort to discuss about the movie or movies I watched that day.

Stay tuned to my Twitter, Instagram, and my Facebook page for more details!

The spooks begin on Monday.

The Evil Dead trilogy is one of my favorites! 

3am bike ride in the Ides of June (flash)

3 am; Couldn’t sleep when I remembered my bike was still locked up outside; I briefly entertained the idea of leaving it overnight but my anxiety talked me into going for a ride instead; the wind felt cool on my skin and was able to quell some of the tightness in my chest; I have so much shit to do tomorrow; I continued to pedal while the music played Leonard Skynard and Brandi Carlile on my phone tucked away in the shelf bra of my black camisole; the more I pedaled, the less I felt the odd crawling sensation in my shoulder muscles I tend to feel when someone is thinking of me; many times I tried to go home only to be redirected with a small flick of my wrist; what does the seven of cups reversed mean in a tarot reading about a man’s feelings for me; I changed the music to that new Katy Perry song, seeking something more upbeat; I pedaled; I thought about what to do next; I thought about letting go; It’s time to move on and stop wasting your time thinking about him; I finally made my way back home and brought my bike inside; It’s time to let go; I fell asleep at 4am. 

SATO48 2017

Earlier this month, I had the chance to write and act in a short five minute film for Quiet Fox Studios in the annual Springfield and the Ozarks 48 hour film challenge (SATO48). I had a wonderful time! Me and my team, Quiet Fox Studios, received an inspiration package with some parameters in making our short film and we had 48 hours to write, shoot, edit, and turn back in. This was my first SATO but I had known about it for years and now I have finally gotten the chance to participate.

Screenings will be at the Moxie Cinema located at 305 S. Campbell Ave #101, Springfield, MO 65806. We are in Group Gilbreth and the showtimes are listed below. 

If you are in the Springfield area, please come and support all of the short SATO films and vote your favorite! 

Quotes

 

You should have known don’t trust a poet, cause we know how to speak.

— k.flay “You Felt Right”

 

Quotes from other people that I relate to

It appears that the overall theme for November is heartbreak. I was grappling with quite a bit of it with the election. But as of last Tuesday, I’m now experiencing a loss of a friendship. This isn’t the first time I’ve lost a friend, but it doesn’t hurt any less. For me, friend breakups are very similar to romantic break ups: I’m basically out of commission for a few days and I feel tremendously sad and hurt which always comes out angry.

I’m a big fan of Marc Maron and I sporadically watch his show “Maron” on Netflix when I have the time. I say sporadically because I occasionally have to stop watching the show due to its extremely reliability to my life. I am also a comic and a writer with three cats and I also view the world in a strange, over-analytical way. In the pilot episode of “Maron” there was quote Marc makes that really resonated with me:

“But I know one thing about me: If I am sad and its in public, it’s not gonna come out sadness. It’s just gonna come out anger.”

Why did this line resonate with me? Because it’s exactly how I am. Anger is way more productive than sadness. For me, sadness is debilitating. I don’t have an appetite, I just wanna sleep, my eyes get all pink and red (which makes it difficult when I cry at work which I have done more than an employee should due to my panic attacks). Sadness decreases my productivity and makes me a generally sad and useless individual.

The other reoccurring problem with friend breakups are the other friend breakups you end up reliving. You think about the time in April when one of your friends messaged you on Facebook and proceeded to call you “a total bitch,” “delusional,” “a right asshole” and other names of that nature. You think about the friend you had confronted a year ago and they screamed in your face, telling you to go fuck yourself, and cut you out of their life. You think about how in seventh grade you had a friend who didn’t invite you to a ski trip because “my mom said you don’t have enough money.” It hurts. It really does. It mainly hurts as a writer. As an introvert, being alone doesn’t hurt me. I’m really, really good at being alone. I sometimes wonder if I’m too good at it and that it hinders me from knowing how to properly function with someone else in my life.

Being alone as a writer hurts because you lose your muse. You have to find a new source of inspiration, a new person who alights the flame of passion to create. I recently came across a quote that summarizes a writer’s love perfectly: “If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.” I think this quote applies to both romantic and platonic love. I’ve been equally devastated by the endings of both.

When it all comes down to it, love is just too intriguing  and too powerful to not risk hurting yourself for. It’s why we keep falling for it. We keep hoping the next time will be better but it just turns out the same way. The best thing you can do it just brush it off and move on with your life. Learn to show your best sides to everyone and not just the people you end up loving who didn’t deserve your love to begin with. And don’t let someone waste you time. If someone tells you no, look beyond their bullshit excuses and don’t wait for them to come around because guess what? They will never come around. They will continue to waste your time as long as you let them. And your time is too precious to waste. You have more important things to do with your life than pine for someone who never was honest with you or was ever worth it in the first place.

We were all put on this earth to do some kickass shit, don’t waste it on someone who wears the merit-less crown you gave them.

My feature image comes from the Possom Trot Auction House in Seale, Alabama. I was there earlier this month for my uncle, John Erickson, and his marriage to Joyce Webster. It was a great time!

Human Zoo – 100 Word Story (from 400 Writing Prompts)

If you fell down a rabbit hole,what do you think you’d find?

Years ago, my mom asked me to go to the park with my sister. The park wasn’t far from our house, so my sister and I rode our bikes over and played hide and seek. I looked for somewhere to hide and saw a big tree with roots that I could crawl under. I crawled and crawled, until…I fell into darkness and landed on cold floor. I was in a cage with strange-looking beings staring at me. They had green skin and black eyes. I couldn’t understand their words. They watched me like I was an animal in a zoo.

photo credit: iStock by Getty Images

 

Tinder the Musical

I’ll gladly say it: I hate Tinder. I hate online dating in general, but I really hate Tinder. Major kudos to the lucky ducks who have successfully found love in the internet cesspool of left and right swiping because I tend to find more creeps and disgusting vulgarities than actual guys interested in something substantial. I rarely look at Tinder these days and when I do, I usually regret it. Today was one of those days.

I remembered a conversation I had with my friend Sarah. When I went to Chicago last year, she was the one who showed me around town. One of the times she was visiting home in good ol’ Springfield, we were at the local donut shop and we thought about how funny it would be to write a musical about Tinder. After checking my Tinder today and being thoroughly disappointed, I made this:

Still reading: 11/22/63 by Stephen King
Almost finished reading: Attempting Normal by Marc Maron (I recommend it in audiobook form)