Struggling

For the last week, all the overworking I’ve done has starting to catch up to me. I’ve been using work as a coping mechanism. Feeling busy is better than feeling sad and depressed. But now, I’m so tired. And for the first time in a long time, I’ve been feeling so alone. I work alone (my boss and I primarily communicate through a work instant messaging service). I generally live alone because my roommates both have their own lives. I see my boyfriend once a week due to other priorities and neither of us having a car. My busyness leads me to not being able to have much of a social life, which I recognize now is my way of staying safe from people who’ve hurt me. My mom has other things on her mind while dealing with her health. Several times now we’ve gotten into fights through texts, so I’ve been trying to keep my communication short and sweet, to not upset her or get upset myself. This leads me to feeling a genuine loneliness that I can’t really shake.

I’ve been seeing a counselor regularly regarding all that has been going on in my personal life. Yesterday, I was talking to my counselor about how alone I’ve been feeling and how meeting new friends and developing a new support system has felt hard to do because I worry about feeling abandoned. Abandonment only has to happen once, but the effects of it can last a long time. It’s funny to think that at nearly 29 years old, I’m still experiencing a struggle with loneliness and making friends and building relationships. It feels so kindergarten. I really thought I would’ve gotten past that by now, but here we are.

So I keep doing what I’m doing. I keep showing up to work and I keep showing up to my responsibilities and creative projects. I keep going, even though I don’t want to, because I least get something done. Eventually, they will either end or come to a resting point. Then I can relax and recharge my batteries fully.

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to honor my mind and body as much as possible and give both the rest they need when they need it. That’s the best I can do right now and that’s okay.

A stained glass window at the Jubilee Theatre in Marshfield, MO, where we have Junie B. Jones rehearsal.

10465 – 94 days

On July 8th, I was at a party drinking cheap beer and watching two grown men (presumably intoxicated) bare-knuckle box. A lot of friends had their phones out to record the fight and one friend was the referee, keeping the fight from getting out of hand.

I sat away from it all and observed. I felt alone and the beer didn’t even taste that good. I wasn’t enjoying myself and it was nobody’s fault but my own. I remember thinking to myself: I think I’m done.

Since that day, I’ve only had a sip of my boyfriend’s ale or a friend’s beverage. I’ve gotten myself a non-alcoholic version of Heineken (meh) and have gotten super into kombucha, both of which had such small amounts of alcohol they’re considered non-alcoholic.

Overall I feel good and I don’t miss drinking. Other times, during a rough day at work or when I see a bottle of wine that one of my roommates put in the fridge, it’s more of a challenge to abstain. But I remind myself the importance of waiting. Sometimes it’s just taking it a day at a time. Sometimes it’s taking it minutes or seconds at a time. Sometimes it’s just saying to yourself “Let me get home from work and see if I still wanna drink then. In that particular example, I usually find a way to decide against it. In that small act of waiting, I find I show up to myself. I’ve been showing up to myself for three months and I’m really grateful to those who’ve supported me and to the art I’ve made as catharsis.

In case you haven’t heard it today:

• You are loved.
• You mean something to someone.
• If you’re feeling sad, you’re not alone.
• If you’re struggling through a vice, you can do this!

Just remember this: if you are ever feeling sad or loneliness or anger, remember this line from U2’s song “Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of”

It’s just a moment, this time will pass.

❤️

Tess

Life Update

This was originally posted on my personal FB and I figured I’d share it on here as well.

Life update time!

1) After working there nearly four years, I no longer work at Gailey’s Breakfast Cafe. I now work at Falstaff’s Local on the weekends and some evenings. I’m pretty excited for this new opportunity. I also have an awesome little part-time job at the OTC bookstore that I’ve had since the beginning of August. I was hired on for temporary employment and am waiting to hear back if I become a permanent employee there as well.

2) I’m super excited to get to show off some of my acting chops and be a part of this year’s performance of “It’s A Wonderful Life: A Radio Play” that will go up at the Gillioz Theatre starting December 8-10!

Poster for this year’s “It’s A Wonderful Life: A Radio Play”

3) I’ve been writing like crazy. I’m putting finishing touches on a horror script for Grave Tales that I’ve really enjoyed writing. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying sketch writing classes at Queen City Conservatory. I’ve been pretty proud of my work as of late and I look forward to writing and creating more.

4) Barring some unforeseen incident, I will be graduating in December with my bachelor’s and an associate’s degree (via reverse transfer). School has been going really well for me and I’m happy with my progress. I’m really feeling the motivation to get my degrees and finally graduate.

In summary, I’m doing really well and things are going great! I want to give a shout-out to the people who’s supported me, encouraged me, and had my back the last few weeks. I seriously cannot thank you all enough. I also give a shout-out to my mom (Pamela) for all her love and help with my dealing with personal stuff and giving out writing tips too. Much love to all! ❤

Human Zoo – 100 Word Story (from 400 Writing Prompts)

If you fell down a rabbit hole,what do you think you’d find?

Years ago, my mom asked me to go to the park with my sister. The park wasn’t far from our house, so my sister and I rode our bikes over and played hide and seek. I looked for somewhere to hide and saw a big tree with roots that I could crawl under. I crawled and crawled, until…I fell into darkness and landed on cold floor. I was in a cage with strange-looking beings staring at me. They had green skin and black eyes. I couldn’t understand their words. They watched me like I was an animal in a zoo.

photo credit: iStock by Getty Images

 

Tinder the Musical

I’ll gladly say it: I hate Tinder. I hate online dating in general, but I really hate Tinder. Major kudos to the lucky ducks who have successfully found love in the internet cesspool of left and right swiping because I tend to find more creeps and disgusting vulgarities than actual guys interested in something substantial. I rarely look at Tinder these days and when I do, I usually regret it. Today was one of those days.

I remembered a conversation I had with my friend Sarah. When I went to Chicago last year, she was the one who showed me around town. One of the times she was visiting home in good ol’ Springfield, we were at the local donut shop and we thought about how funny it would be to write a musical about Tinder. After checking my Tinder today and being thoroughly disappointed, I made this:

Still reading: 11/22/63 by Stephen King
Almost finished reading: Attempting Normal by Marc Maron (I recommend it in audiobook form)

Top Ten Things On My Bucket List (from 400 Writing Prompts)

1. Go bungee jumping
2. Go on a cross-country roadtrip
3. Thoughtfully vandalize a building  Hone what art skills I have
4. Dance on a beach by a bonfire
5. See the sunrise four times, each in a different corner of the US
6. Experience Christmas in the summer (AKA go to Australia)
7. Learn the violin part in “El Tango de Roxanne” from Moulin Rouge
8. Have a group lunch with various role models throughout my childhood and until my current adulthood
   • Unless I find out I’m dying young, that will be a lot of people. Party time, amirite?
   • Some people invited to the “role-model” party will include Cher and Steve Buscemi
9. Have something I have written be adapted for television or film
10. Host Saturday Night Live at least once
11. *bonus* See a narwhal

Thanks to the internet for keeping track of my random thoughts and to Timehop for forcing nostalgia. I made this post back in September 2014. I was actually told by a friend shortly after posting this nostalgic tweet that there is a camp (WeekiWachee) where you can become a mermaid. #themoreyouknow

Blog Challenge: 400 Writing Prompts (1)

Happy 2016!

Over the holiday break, I received a book of writing prompts from my mother for Christmas. I know nothing about this book except that it was published by Piccadilly Inc. No individual or group besides Piccadilly is credited to writing this prompt book. If you are reading this and you contributed to these prompts, you got a raw deal in not getting recognition. But thank you nonetheless. I hope you got paid well.

If you found yourself in Oz, what would you do different than Dorothy?
*I decided to go with the movie over the book.*

• Call Glenda the Good Witch out for not telling me that all I had to do to leave was click my heels three times
• Address the obvious sexual tension between Tin Man and Cowardly Lion
• Not run in the poppy field (for fear of bees and the negative effects of opiates)
• Find out what else witches can be killed with (besides water and houses falling on them)
• Switch to flat shoes somewhere along my journey so I’m not wearing heels the entire time
• Stay in Oz and never leave

I also wish Oz was available in 2016 so I can Instagram the shit out of everything and use nifty hashtags like #nofilterneeded, #somewhereovertherainbow, or #notinkansasanymore.

COMING SOON!

Since October, I’ve been working on a new podcast called the Higher Power (it’s a play on words) and the first three episodes should be released soon! Until then, keep tabs on me through my Twitter and Instagram.

Holiday Comic Quote

“I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.'” – Marc Maron

Happy holidays, everyone!

Comic Quote

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself. 
– Chelsea Handler

Comic Quote

Wounds turn into scars and scars make you tough.

– Aisha Tyler

If you haven’t read Self-Inflicted Wounds, I highly recommend it. It’s a lovely memoir about when we fuck up and that, to me, is fantastic.