A new vlog post, now included with closed captioning! Make sure to follow me on TikTok too!
A couple of weeks ago, I went to my local Red Racks with a $20 budget. Here is what I found!
Like what you saw? Be sure to let me know in the comments and check out my TikTok @tesstriesnewthings.
Junie B. Jones ended its run on Saturday. Now I get to enjoy some time off before I jump back into my creative projects again. In less than two weeks, I will be in Naples, Florida with my mom and her side of the family. On one hand, it feels good to have a long break coming up. On the other hand, there is this tiny little voice that whispers to me, “Keep working. You need to be doing something. You need to be productive and always be producing. If you’re not creating, you’re wasting time.”
This voice is always hard on me. It doesn’t have to be about creativity. It comes out when I’m stressed, angry, anxious, when I’m trying on a cute outfit and it’s too small, when I feel unattractive, when my memory blanks and I forget something I used to remember very well. It likes to remind me of my flaws, my failures, add things to my “to-do” list, and replay past moments of my life where someone made me feel like garbage.
I’ve been regularly seeing a therapist to cope with the last seven months and we’ve been working together to reprogram my line of thinking. After nearly 29 years of life, I’m finally recognizing how little I’ve honored my body. I don’t treat myself well. I’m mean in my self-talk and I eat terrible food. I drink a ton of caffeine, which I’ve known for years how it’s bad for my heart (I have tachycardia) but it’s also now proving to be affecting my digestive system.
Earlier today, I came across a quote I liked. It said, “You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.” I know I’ve heard it before, but for some reason didn’t resonate with me until now. To an extent, I think I really heard it because I am finally ready to take care of myself properly. I’m ready to do the work necessary to honor my body. I’m ready to tell that sneaky little voice to shut up, because I’m not doing anyone any favors by running myself ragged. I’m done making myself a martyr for no reason. I finally get it: There’s no glamour in being a workaholic.
I am ready for a break. 2018 has been a quite a year and I’m ready to put it to bed with a fresh, clean slate with 2019.
A lot of changes have happened in the last few months. I figured the quickest and easiest way to share what has happened in my life was to do a vlog entry. I’ve talked about doing vlogging before and I figure there was no time like the present. I’ll *try* to do these on a regular basis. I just posted the vlog to my new youtube channel. I’m thinking about posting other videos besides vlogs to my channel too. Maybe a makeup video series where I try to put on makeup? Let me know what you all think!
Here you go! Enjoy!
This was originally posted on my personal FB and I figured I’d share it on here as well.
Life update time!
1) After working there nearly four years, I no longer work at Gailey’s Breakfast Cafe. I now work at Falstaff’s Local on the weekends and some evenings. I’m pretty excited for this new opportunity. I also have an awesome little part-time job at the OTC bookstore that I’ve had since the beginning of August. I was hired on for temporary employment and am waiting to hear back if I become a permanent employee there as well.
2) I’m super excited to get to show off some of my acting chops and be a part of this year’s performance of “It’s A Wonderful Life: A Radio Play” that will go up at the Gillioz Theatre starting December 8-10!
3) I’ve been writing like crazy. I’m putting finishing touches on a horror script for Grave Tales that I’ve really enjoyed writing. I’ve been thoroughly enjoying sketch writing classes at Queen City Conservatory. I’ve been pretty proud of my work as of late and I look forward to writing and creating more.
4) Barring some unforeseen incident, I will be graduating in December with my bachelor’s and an associate’s degree (via reverse transfer). School has been going really well for me and I’m happy with my progress. I’m really feeling the motivation to get my degrees and finally graduate.
In summary, I’m doing really well and things are going great! I want to give a shout-out to the people who’s supported me, encouraged me, and had my back the last few weeks. I seriously cannot thank you all enough. I also give a shout-out to my mom (Pamela) for all her love and help with my dealing with personal stuff and giving out writing tips too. Much love to all! ❤
3 am; Couldn’t sleep when I remembered my bike was still locked up outside; I briefly entertained the idea of leaving it overnight but my anxiety talked me into going for a ride instead; the wind felt cool on my skin and was able to quell some of the tightness in my chest; I have so much shit to do tomorrow; I continued to pedal while the music played Leonard Skynard and Brandi Carlile on my phone tucked away in the shelf bra of my black camisole; the more I pedaled, the less I felt the odd crawling sensation in my shoulder muscles I tend to feel when someone is thinking of me; many times I tried to go home only to be redirected with a small flick of my wrist; what does the seven of cups reversed mean in a tarot reading about a man’s feelings for me; I changed the music to that new Katy Perry song, seeking something more upbeat; I pedaled; I thought about what to do next; I thought about letting go; It’s time to move on and stop wasting your time thinking about him; I finally made my way back home and brought my bike inside; It’s time to let go; I fell asleep at 4am.
It’s been a tremendously exhausting for the last week since the election.
Am I still angry? Yes. It hurts to see an uprise of displayed racism and exhibited harassment in light of a Trump victory. It also hurts and angers me to see people argue that “both sides have it hard right now” and hearing people spout some form of a “sit down and shut up” mentality.
I recently had a friend who received a Facebook message from some man she didn’t know. The message said, and I quote, “Fuck you you motherfucking piece of shit! Suck a dick and die! Trump won bitch!”
I shared the post to my Facebook wall stressing the importance of being kinder to one another. The step-mother of a friend of mine commented on my post that “both sides” had been bad. It was a minimization of a greater issue. It was a dismissal to the woman who had been harassed with no provocation. It was the condoning of a man displaying unnecessary aggression toward a woman just simply because he could. Her comment made me angry. I wanted to say so many things in response. Thoughtful things. Things that would hurt her so much to jar her into an intense thought process and self-reflection. The thought running through my mind: With her words, she chose to hurt a sister to her gender and biological sex.
I took a breath to stabilize myself. At the time I read this, I was in a karaoke pub. I had been trying to lift spirits by encouraging people to go do karaoke with myself and a handful of friends. And by a “handful,” I mean only four (including me) showed up. But overall, we all felt a little better after belting some tunes. But I still felt like I needed to respond. I couldn’t ignore the comment. So I responded in the most benign way: Ok.
My friend’s step-mom ended up deleting her comment due to not liking the way that it read and she would never cast that type of light out there. She also made the point to tell me she thought me lovely. I told thank you and left it at that.
I am finding that it’s hard to really forgive people who condone President-Elect Trump’s campaign platform and actively choose to overlook his racism, extreme Islamophobia, bigotry, misogyny, xenophobia, general ignorance, and acceptance of sexual assault. And I’m finding it genuinely horrifying how people are so quick to see the “good” things Trump’s done and be willing to give him a chance. Sure, he won’t reverse same sex marriage for now. But what about one or two years from now? I wouldn’t expect that to remain. I feel as if we all, as a collective whole, should wait for the other shoe to drop and never allow ourselves to become complacent. To not believe the news without fact checking or getting our news from a reliable source and doing our due diligence. I, for one, have decided to forgo most U.S. based news sources and will get my news primarily from BBC News because they offer both U.S. and other world news. It’s primarily paid for by British citizens, but online visitors outside the U.K. see some advertisements. I plan on making a donation to BBC for either the holidays or my birthday.
The announcement of Steve Bannon as Trump’s chief strategist is just mind-boggling given his violent history and white supremacist ideas. It baffles me that respected newspapers like The Wallstreet Journal mention him as “alt-right,” which really downplays his beliefs and past inflammatory comments he’s made.
We should all be cautious as it gets closer and closer to Trump’s inauguration. We should remember to be diligent. Examine our friends’ words and actions and also examine their negative space of their actions and words. What I mean by that is if you see someone not doing something when they should, call them out on it. If they are not saying the things they should, call them out on that. Don’t be an accomplice to hate speech and be a passive participant to hate crimes by not doing something.
An Important Note
My not voting for Trump did not, does not, and never will mean that I have no respect for the military. Quite the contrary, I actually have a lot of respect for our military. I have had two members of my family in the military (one Navy, one Marines). I deeply care for and respect our current, veteran, and fallen soldiers for the sacrifices they have made in keeping the U.S. safe. I am thankful for all that our military has done for us and that gratitude will not falter or change anytime soon. If you are reading this and you have been or are currently involved with our military, thank you so much for serving our country. And I am sorry if you think that a vote against Donald Trump or our peaceful protests are seen as disrespectful. A lot of us protest (not riot) because we are scared that the freedoms you fought for us to have might be taken away.
Our quality of life is in jepardary.
Our rights and our ability to speak up are in jepardary.
Our loved ones are in jepardary.And people are responding to our fear by telling us to “get over it” and calling us “crybabies.”
The only thing those things have been successful in doing is fanning the fire of our fear.
If y’all can even begin to think of where we’re coming from, how can we ever unite as one nation? Being empathetic doesn’t mean you have to bend over backwards and go against what you believe in. Being able to understand where someone is coming from really helps c0nnecting you to just that person and that unique connection is solely between you two and you will never experience anything just like that connection again.
If you are interested in getting involved with your community, contact your local nonprofits. They are always in need of help. Also explore different news sources like BBC or The Economist, both were considered to be the “least biased” by Business Insider.
While I am not a particularly religious person, it’s important to remind people of Matthew 7:12 in the Bible:
“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 7:12 – NLT – Bible Gateway)
If you are struggling with anxiety, watch this video and it will make you feel calmer. ❤